My best for the standup routine…

After a clamoring on Facebook, (Fine…one person commented she was surprised that the funny things I posted were not uttered by me), here’s a little of my funny…

My best joke of the month was wasted on one with no sense of humor. Such a pity.  Of course, a bystander did find it hilarious. A neighbor came by and told my mother and I that their daughter had a baby and the baby’s name.  He then left.  My father came out of the house and having just spoken to the neighbor’s wife on the phone told us the daughter had the baby. I stopped him there and shouted. “No, don’t say the name…” I closed my eyes, put my hand to my head, doing my best soothsayer rendition. “I can see the child’s name…I’m seeing a Christopher.”  Before I continued with the child’s middle name, I opened my eyes to see my father’s reaction. You’d expect a look of shock, of amazement, of something. Nope, he nodded “Yep, Christopher Leonard.” He continued, with other infant statistics, as if it wasn’t amazing I had just guessed the name of child of a woman I didn’t even know was pregnant.  He did notice my mother laughing so hard she couldn’t speak and finally asked, “What’s so funny?”

Have a great Friday!

A R

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Notes for my standup routine (Previously known as Quotes of the Week)

A friend called after reading last week’s blog post and told me I needed to rename these posts – blog posts of the bizarre, insulting, and hilarious things that are said to me during the course of the week. I asked for her suggestion.  I was told “Notes for my stand-up routine.”

Then she asked if I’d ever done stand-up. “It’s like talking to a stand-up comedian when I talk to you.”  Thank you! I’ve also been called “pee in your pants funny.”  I take great joy in that one.

Of course, I’ve never done standup.  Talking in front of people is not my favorite thing — more accurately, a phobia of talking in front of people, stage fright, call it what you wish.  So, because of that, we get “Notes for my standup routine”

“Stop! She is not a squirrel!” (Sometimes I want to explain a quote. I think it’s funnier when I don’t.)

“Huh, thought you’d drink diet.” (Note to the men out there — don’t say that to a woman.  All she hears is diet. As in- you need to be on one.)

“Are you really a doctor?” (I answered a simple yes, because I am. I wanted to answer, Are you calling me a liar?)

“Ok, I thought you were Doogie Howser or something.” (Nice recovery.)

“I’m trying not to say anything that’ll get me on that blog.”

Have a great week!

Quotes of the Week

Another week…more quotes that would make a normal person cry, but make me laugh.  I now hope to share this humor with you.

A friend told me she didn’t know I had driven a Lamborghini.  I pointed out she liked the post on Facebook [See previous blog post ‘I blame Top Gear for this’]. “I liked it because it was a picture of you with a guy!” I tried to stop her as added “I’ve never seen that before!”

Another friend called over the weekend. “I”m calling to hear about your escapades.  There’s really no other word to describe them.”

A patient referred to me as “Crazy A” to differentiate me from another person of the same name.

I caught a friend looking at my hair.  When I questioned him on what he was looking at it, he said “It looks….different.”  After much coaxing, he added, “Looks good different.”  I did coin a new phrase to describe my hair, that I’m sure won’t catch on.  “My hair is River Song-esque.”

After entering a patient’s home, his mother promptly greeted me with “Out!”  I stopped, stunned.  Was she kicking me out??? No, the baby was ‘out’, as in sound asleep.

Have a great week!

A R

Long Beach Waterfront Warriors

Waterfront Warriors – Their mission (per website): The mission of The Long Beach Waterfront Warriors is to honor and aid the wounded, ill and injured veterans and their families. 

Here in Long Beach, New York, we have a beach whose beauty and a community whose generosity are the rival of any beach anywhere. 

The very least we can do for those who have offered themselves and their loved ones so fearlessly in the cause of our freedom, is to share our beach and community with them.

The Long Beach Waterfront Warriors brings wounded, ill and injured veterans and their families to Long Beach for a relaxing vacation and a variety of activities. We also provide assistance to veterans hospitals and other needy and deserving institutions.

Long Beach-ers – Cheer on the warriors and their families at the parade on Sunday 3pm in the West End. <There’s also a 5K at 8am Sunday.>

I hope the ladies enjoy the welcome bags I provided.  Flip flops, hair clips, candy, and ‘Gone But Not Missed’ – all you need for a great day at the beach.

Learn more at lbwaterfrontwarriors.org. Please donate to a great cause!

Quotes of the Week

The good – “You’re fun to talk to.”  “You’re a character.” “When’s book five coming out?”  For those interested – I’m working on it:)

The bad – “You must not work hard.”   *Full disclosure – it was really a complisult – part compliment (I look young) and part insult. (Trust me I work hard. Trust me. My patience is worked harder than any part of me most days.)  Complisult – part of Community lore (the hysterical NBC show then Yahoo show #6seasonsandamovie)

The ugly – After a rant about the unfairness of life, I was told, “I mean really! What have I done so wrong in my life that the highlight of my week was dinner with you.”  *Full disclosure – she did lead with “No offense.”  Oh, but offense taken… Just kidding. I laughed so hard I had to be handed tissues to wipe away the tears.

I blame Top Gear for this

Six months ago, if you asked me what a petrolhead was, I would have had no idea. I thought a bonnet was a hat & a boot a shoe Texans wear. But I was wrong, so wrong.

While in Cape Town, South Africa, I put on BBC America, one of the few English speaking stations I could get.  I hoped to see one of their good mysteries, instead I got Top Gear. I sighed and thought ‘Who could watch a show all about cars for an hour?’  Then I spent the next 90 minutes watching their Patagonia Special. I was hooked. The hosts, Richard, Jeremy and James, made me laugh to the point of tears & the cinematography was so fantastic that I knew I needed to start planning a trip to Patagonia.

Upon my return to the US, I programmed my DVR to record Top Gear episodes. I’ve learned new terms that have slipped into my vocabulary (SatNav, brake horsepower, and a few British swear words.)

I’ve also come to the conclusion that I drive a car the Top Gear hosts would mock (although, at least it’s not a Pruis).  I’ve now come to calling my car Vanilla. (It’s more of a description than a name. Yes, I know you shouldn’t name a car.  They’ve taught me that too.)

So, Sunday I drove a Lamborghini Gallardo through Velocity Driving. (Thank you Groupon.)

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I hope I would have done the hosts proud…but I doubt it.

I pictured my instructor wearing a white suit & helmet and called him “The Stig” despite him introducing himself as Chris.  I gripped the steering wheel, doing my best Hammond impression, through the turns. When the instructor told me to step on it, I heard “More power!” in Clarkson’s voice.  Sadly, I think I drove more like May (dubbed ‘Captain Slow’) than either of the other two. There was no oversteer, no tire screeching, no spinning out of control.

Because I am a jinx for any TV show I like, Top Gear (with the current, incredible hosts) has now ended.  The finale airs tonight on BBC America.  I fear I will cry. But, I can guess Clarkson’s response, “Kennedy, there’s no crying in Top Gear.” So, I’ll do my best.

So, ‘on that bombshell’, here’s to Top Gear’s Season 22 Finale.

A R

Photo evidence of me & Velocity Driving’s version of The Stig

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Quotes of the week

“You go girl!” – Yes, someone actually said that to me this week.  Sadly, it was in response to my (attempts at) speaking Spanish.  (Four years of Spanish in high school and I can say about four things.)

Best quote of the week – “When’s book five coming out?”  I’m thinking the holidays. I’m working on it…& working on it…

“If you kill that dog, I’ll never forgive you.” (Attention ASPCA/PETA/animal lovers everywhere- She was referring to a fictional dog. Laude, the adorable mini schnauzer, from the Nathan Miccoli Mystery series.)

“It’s like talking to a stand up comic.” I try to bring laughter wherever I go 🙂

Enjoy!

A R